This another fanfic by Klumpy, Enjoy!
Zared: The Movie
By: Jay Smylie
ACT ONE: Zared: The Movie
It was a warm, sunny Friday evening on Crocodile Isle, and many young couples were out and about enjoying the good weather. Of course, not all young couples have the same idea of a good evenings entertainment. Some preferred to party all night, some enjoyed watching the sunset peacefully together, and, in Zared Mendoza's case, some enjoyed high-octane back-to-back, popcorn munching action at a mini-movie festival. He and his 'current' flame Charlotte Fairchild were happily nestled in front of the silver screen, watching Jet-Li take on an entire band of ferocious warriors with a small spear. They had to piece together most of the storyline themselves, not that it was anything too complex, because the cheap English subtitles didn't exactly broaden the mind in terms of the plot. They stared in awe as Jet-Li shoved the spear through a towering warrior. He yelled something. It came up in the subtitles as:
"You daring, lousy guy! I'll cut your fats out, don't you believe it!"
Now you see how bad they are. The warriors guts spilled out everywhere, as he fell to the ground shreiking in pain. Charlotte winced, 'Oh, GUH-ROSS ...'
'Heh heh heh ...' chuckled Zared happily, chowing down on a king-size popcorn, 'Dont be such a wuss, Charlie ...' he grinned sizeably, 'This is great!'
After the festival had ended, the couple walked casually out of the theatre. Zared seemed to be in his own little dreamworld as Charlotte spoke to him.
'Well, that was a waaay over the top movie Zared. Mega high energy, kinda fun, but majorly silly!'
'Hmmmm ...' mused Zared, not really paying much attention.
'And those subtitles were seriously wonky..!' Charlie continued, 'I mean c'mon, "You bastard, try this melon"?'
'Hmmmm ...' Zared continued to be distracted by his thoughts.
'On the other hand though ... that Jet-Li guy is really, really cute..!' chirped Charlotte cheekily. Zared stopped and stared blankly at one of the Hong-Kong movie posters. It was John Woo's 'Bullet in The Head'. Charlotte looked surprised.
'Uh ... Zared? Earth to Zared? Hel-LO?'
Zared suddenly snapped out of his daydream. 'Oh yeah!' he cried. He grabbed Charlotte's shoulders and looked her right in the eyes,
'Charlie! I could do this stuff!' Charlie looked slightly disturbed,
'Um ... do WHAT stuff?'
Zared flung his arms out dramatically, and cried
'Direct MOVIES of COURSE!' which attracted the attention of many unnerved onlookers. Zared continued,
'No one in the Western film industry has been able to tap the energy of Hong-Kong cinema, see? But me ... with MY inspiration, imagination, and vast knowledge of the HK film industry, I could easily create a movie that'd knock even the biggest Hollywood director for a loop! I'd wipe the floor with the lotta those John-Woo wannabes out there!'
Charlotte sweated nervously a little, wondering if Zared had totally lost his mind. She took a step back as Zared ranted,
'AND, I'm no jump on the bandwagon poseur either! I was big into the HK scene years before any Gwailo discovered Jackie Chan!' Zared continued walking, excitedly strutting along the sidewalk, with Charlotte in hot persuit. She finally caught up with him and said,
'Well, uh, not that I'm trying to discourage you or anything, but to be a director wouldn't you need to, like, go to film school or get some work experience first?'
Zared bellowed in her ear 'Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Jeez, Charlie, lemmie rent you a clue babe, ANYBODY can direct! I mean, they let actors direct behind the camera, and you know how dumb THEY are! Even Van Damme got to direct okay? And what about ...' Zared pulled his thick black hair back into a kind of ponytail, 'Steven Segal? You a TOUGH guy? You a TOUGH guy?' he imitated.
'Segal couldn't direct himself to an unemployment line, but they still let him make that awesomely bad 'ON DEADLY GROUND' flick! I'm tellin' you, babe. This is a job with NO skills required, so its perfect for me!'
Charlotte looked impressed. 'Wow..! You really are serious about this, arent you?'
Zared nodded, 'd**n straight I am!' He put an arm around Charlotte, 'Now, as a director I'd really be more of an idea man, in charge of the whole creative vision thing? The studio could hire some film grunts to deal with all the technical, boring crap. Heyy...'
Zareds features became animated again, 'I could be like my man Jackie Chan, y'know? I could direct, and act, and because I'm such a dazzling professional, I could perform ALL my own stunts! And, ALSO like the Chanmiester ...' he pulled away from Charlotte, who smiled at Zareds enthusiasm,
' ... I'm a master of Kung-Fu!' he continued, striking a complicated fighting stance. He began capering about, giving little bird cries as he struck numerous fighting poses,
'You want Northern Chinese Praying Mantis style? I got it nailed! I also know Hug-Gar style, Tibetan White Crane, Chang-Chuan, White Eyebrow Style and even alla the ones whose names I DON'T know ... I'm down with them all!'
He tried to execute a complex backflip, but tripped on a sapling behind him and toppled backwards, crashing to the ground.
'Waaaa! Gyowchh!' he hollered. Charlotte rushed over to help him up. She smiled brightly,
'Whoa Zared, I'm really impressed! You studied the martial arts after all? That is so cool!' she squealed, pulling Zared to his feet. Zared brushed himself down,
'Uh ... not quite, Char'. I didn't AC-tually study the martial arts, but I have studied martial arts movies! And thats almost as good really..!'
Charlotte's expression sank. She rolled her eyes. 'Typical ...' she muttered.
Zared took no notice of this, and continued on his way, 'Now you might go, "What about a storyline for your movie? Isn't it tough to come up with a good one?" Well, it dont matter! Having a story, let alone a good one, is strictly optional nowadays ... 'INDEPENDENCE DAY' sure proved that! The average moviegoer could really give a cuss whether or not a movie has a good storyline.'
Zared dragged an unconvinced Charlotte along the sidewalk, still laying out his creative plans to be the biggest director the silverscreen has ever known,
'So,' he continued, 'all I've gotta do is think up some cool stuff! A few brilliant ideas for the story, then some screenwriter can pad it out with some filler, y'know, boring crap like plot or theme or characterisation or whatever. Say ... maybe Klumpy could do it ... Well, anyway, cool stuff is my middle name!'
Charlotte muttered, 'Oh really? And here I was thinking your middle name was ...'
'Check this out' Zared gloated, 'I can brainstorm up a story on the hop. Just watch. It'd go a little bit like this ...'
A Zared Mendoza Production,
Of A Zared Mendoza Film,
Starring Zared Mendoza
(and some other acting dudes and babes. Well, actually a few dudes and a LOT of babes...)
Story & Screenplay by Zared Mendoza
(and some other really rich, talented person, possibly that really expensive dude who wrote 'Showgirls'. Y'know, I always thought that movie got a bum-rap, but I really thought it was like the 'Citizen Kane' of stripper movies. Of course, I've never actually seen 'Citizen Kane', so maybe that isn't a compliment.)
'That is SO deep' said Charlotte, unnerved.
'And we'd have the Beegees do the opening themesong, 'STAYING ALIVE'. Cool, huh?' grinned Zared.
Produced by Zared Mendoza
(and some really rich guy)
Charlotte sighed, 'I get the idea already, Zared ...'
[Scene opens with a studly swordsman (played by Zared, unsurprisingly), and his babe sidekick 'Kiddo' (Charlotte), on the road. They're heading back to their peasant village in historical China, when his keen senses detect trouble ...]
Zared: *Sniffs the air*
Charlotte: "Kiddo"? My name is KIDDO?!
Zared: [Tight close-up] I wonder ... something may be terribly wrong here in my beloved peasant village ...
[They arrive at the village entrance seconds later, finding it ablaze, all of its inhabitants brutally slaughtered]
Zared: AIEEE!
[Shots of a young woman-kremling with a sword through her, sprawled against a Coke Machine, Trahern with several nasty lookin' blades in him, on the ground, holding a Subway Sandwich container, and Zeke, also cut up bad, clutching an N64 controller, alongside the console itself.]
Back in reality:
'Coke machines??' Charlotte screwed her face up at the absurdity of the idea, 'In historical China? RIIIIIGHT ...' She rolled her eyes.
'This is called product placement babe,' explained Zared, 'and its WAY more important than a historically accurate script or whatever. Okay, now its time for our manly but sensitive hero to emote bigtime ...
The movie scene:
[Zared clutches the dead body of Trahern in his arms, and bellows aloud, tears rolling down his face]
Zared: Oh Trahern (or whatever your name is in this movie)! My ever-faithful lifelong friend Trahern! WHO has mortally wounded my poor, undeserving bestest bud? WHO???'
Charlotte: [Inspects womans body lying against Coke Machine] Oh man ... Sarah got WHACKED. And she didn't even get a big death scene .. or even a close-up ...
Trahern: Grooaaan ... Z-Z-Zared ... you must pro-promise to get me ... get me revenge ... [Gives up the ghost] GUUUH!
Zared: Ummm ... aah ... h-hey Charlie, I mean, 'Kiddo' ... did you catch that last thing he said? Something about getting him something? I didn't hear ...
Trahern: I SAID GET ME REVENGE YOU DOLT!! [Gives up the ghost ... uh ... again] GUUUH!
Back in reality:
'Hey, this aint no Buddy picture, Char'! Besides, you want to keep a clear narrative focus on only ONE hunky male protagonist. And that is spelled out as M-E!' Zared boasted, Charlotte not really knowing what to say at all ...
The movie scene:
Charlotte: GASP! [Points] Appearing out of nowhere suddenly or without warning, or even an establishing shot -- its the oppressive forces of the Ching Government or whatever, posing up a storm!
[Group shot of five mean looking hombres dressed in black shinobi outfits heavily armed with spears and swords, lead by Diana, who is wielding a pair of Nunchaku.Cue dodgy Hong-Kong styled subtitles]
Diana: "Well! Masturbate in hell!"
Back in reality:
'WHAAAT?!' yelled Charlotte, shocked by the suggestive dialogue. Zared looked at the blushing Charlotte, puzzled.
'Thats an infamous line of mangled English subtitle from Chow Yun Fat's 'FULL CONTACT' movie, okay? I'm a major fan of the weird phrases that pop up in cheapo English subtitles of Hong-Kong films ... so I thought it'd be cool to use some choice excerpts in the bad guys' dialogue!'
Charlotte made a mocking face, 'Thats really stupid, Zared.' Zared looked shocked,
'Aww, c'mon Charlie! Think of it as, whaddaya call it, postmodern! Meaning that its really cool, but it doesnt really make any sense, see?'
'Uh-huh,' Charlotte nodded, 'and also, I didnt know they had ninjas in historical China. Ninjas are supposed to be Japanese arent they?'
'Well, these dudes arent ninjas, Charlie,' corrected Zared, 'they're what you'd call "Lin Kuei".'
'And what does that mean to the lay man then?' said Charlotte, starting to become interested again.
'Uh, well ... they're, er, Chinese ninjas, I guess ..!' shrugged Zared. Charlotte grinned slyly, 'Ah ...'
Anyway, back to the movie scene:
[The courageous Zared sheaths his blade, ready to do battle. Heroically, he takes on two Lin Kuei at once, both brandishing some really impressive looking sharp weaponry. They lunge forward, ready to cut the hero to ribbons, but using his own blade, he stops both of their attacks, getting up close and personal.]
Lin Kuei #1: "You bastard! Try this melon!"
Zared: Somebody here could really use a breathmint. Or three ...
[Suddenly, from behind, Diana attacks Zared, swinging the nunchaku wildly, screeching in a bird-like manner. She sends one of the metal nunchaku crunching onto Zareds head. He falls to the ground, stunned. Meanwhile, Charlotte faces another sword swingling female Lin Kuei. She dodges a close thrust of the blade, only to be grabbed from behind by a stocky Lin Kuei, and thrown to the floor, landing on top of Zared. The Lin Kuei gather 'round the helpless heroes, ready to deliver the killing blow. Suddenly, from above, a dark figure armed with a staff drops from the rooftops, catching the group of terrorists unawares. The mysterious figure lets fly with a stunning array of martial arts skills, swinging the staff around his/her head, knocking the confused Lin Kuei flying. The figure stands over our two heroes, and pulls off his/her Shaolin warrior monk's wicker hat, to reveal their saviors true identity ... Klumpy!]
Klumpy: Hee hee hee! "When the tree falls, the monkeys run!"
Back in reality:
Charlotte sighed, resting her head on her hands. 'So, Klumpy would be the Shaolin warrior MONK, huh?'
'All right, monk, nun, whatever.' dismissed Zared, waving a hand, 'And I know Shaolin people didn't have hair either, but y'know, historical accuracy is WAY overrated! Hey, wait a sec ...' Zared looked animated again, he grinned widely, '... if I'm gonna stop agonizing over accuracy, why not modify those stuffy old period costumes a little?'
Charlotte looked on with nervous anticipation. 'Hmm?' she said.
'I mean, ' Zared continued, 'it'd be a bonehead move not to take advantage of all the crucial babe-ality in this scene ... change that last scene to ALL the female Lin Kuei, you and Klumpy all with skimpified outfits on! Yeah ...'
Charlotte snarled, 'Oh give me a break you hormone case! That is just SO--'
'Oh, like you and Klumpy never end up scantily clad in real life, huh?' Zared rolled his eyes, 'But okay, just so you dont think I'm sexist or anything, I'll throw in something for the ladies in the audience, okay?'
The movie scene:
[The hero Zared, rips off his shirt to reveal a muscular torso]
Zared: Huh-hah!
Charlotte: Ooh! Aah!
[The Lin Kuei have come to by now, and are ready to battle again]
Lin Kuei #1: "What? Is this a rebellion? It is. Kill!"
[The Lin Kuei attack, #1 lunges forth, ready to take revenge for their dishonourable humiliation]
Lin Kuei #1: "You're stain!"
[Zared and Klumpy lunge forward, ready to whoop bad guy butt while Charlotte looks on, slightly disappointed]
Charlotte: How come I never get to kick butt in any of these fight scenes?
[Zared and Klumpy clean the house with the Lin Kuei, eliminating members 1 to 3 (including Diana, who is taken out by a well placed whack from Klumpys staff. Zared skillfully blocks a sword attack from female member # 3, and retaliates by poking her in the eyes(?) She falls to the ground, squealing girlishly with pain, while Zared looks smug with himself. Then, #4 takes a swing for Zared, who skillfully leaps out of harms way.#4 thrusts upward, attempting to catch Zared between the legs.]
Zared: "Hey, watch the jewel box!"
[Zared descends, catching #4's spear with his bent knee, and snaps it in two. Still holding the spear with his knee, twirls in mid air, slicing #4's head clean off. Zared lands safely, and catches the scowling severed head. He laughs heroically. The head grumbles]
Head: "I'm d**n unsatisfied to be killed in this way."
Zared: Alas poor thingyweed, I knew him well.
Head: Oh, shut up will you?
Klumpy: Ho, brave swordsman, over there one last ninja ... eer ... Lin Kuei, yet stirs!
[The last Lin Kuei, #5, stands up, and hoists a flaming treetrunk up off the ground. He charges at Zared madly]
#5: "d**n you, stink man!"
[Zared thrusts his sword into the blazing treetrunk, and both men stare eachother down, ready for the final show of strength. Klumpy and Charlotte look on in awe. Yeah, right. Both Zared and #5 begin to push against the treetrunk. Of course, its far too early in the movie for Zared to get killed right? So, as you'd expect, he's more than a match for #5, and pushes the log right through the Lin Kuei's chest. Cue lots of fake guts, and a cheesy death sequence where the bad guy utters his last words]
#5: "UUURK! How can you use my intestines as a gift..?"
Zared: Huh? Whats this?
Klumpy: Brave swordsman, did you discover a clue as to what slimy, malevolant wad of evil ordered the destruction of your beloved peasant village (breath) and where you might find said wad of evil?
Charlotte: Did you find a convenient plot device to help facilitate a quick transition to the next action sequence?
[Close up of the card. It sports the grinning, shadowed face of Tobias, and reads thusly]
The BIG BOSS!
"I'm Evil with a capital 'E'!"
*Oppression Consulting
*Atrocity Committing
*Friend-of-hero Murdering
Tel: # (619) 555-5742 Fax:# (619) 555-5750
722 JORNADA DEL MUERTA
LA COLLA, CA 92037
Check out my cool but thoroughly depraved website
http:www.thebigboss.com!
Zared: Tight close up. I know someone whos going to pay and pay DEARLY ... And his name is spelled ... T.H.E B.I.G B.O.S.!
Back in reality:
Charlotte tisked, and looked at Zared, unconvinced and unimpressed by his self proclaimed 'wonderful idea' for a movie story.
'You do know that "BOSS" is spelled with two s's, dont you?
Zared huffed innocently, 'You're really failing to nuture my creative vision, Charlie. Just wait. I'm only just getting started!'
END OF PART ONE. TAKE FIVE EVERYONE.